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Post by Swoosh on Aug 30, 2007 20:28:44 GMT -5
Old frat boy #1: So, I heard you have a pee fetish. Old frat bay #2: I'm not gonna lie, I've peed on some girls in my day. Old frat boy #1: Awesome.
Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm. Woman: How I do that? Clerk: With the keypad you're holding. Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo! Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies! Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
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Post by {joy the hideous new girl} on Sept 6, 2007 6:48:19 GMT -5
Daughter: Belle looks so beautiful. Dad: I think your mom is prettier. Mom: Oh, thanks, honey. Guy behind them: Someone wants to get laid tonight.
Ghetto nerd chick #1, to girl talking about Harry Potter on cell: Aw, hell, no she didn't! I have not been reading that shit since I was 13 to have the final ending fucked up by some crackwhore-looking bitch on her stupid pink faggot phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I'm going to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nuclear bomb the entire planet! Ghetto nerd chick #2, into cell: I know, yeah... What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you believe that they killed off-- Ghetto nerd chick #1, covering her ears and singing: --Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala...
Frat boys shouting: Voldemort! Voldemort! Gryffindor girl to friend: If that fucking Slytherin reads the last page aloud to me, I swear I'm going to shove this fucking wand up his nose!
White teen girl, about statue of Alexander Hamilton: Look at him! I mean, he's such a dreamboat... That's why he's my favorite federalist. Mom: And what did your class call him? White teen girl: Hammy! And he was big pals with B-Frank, and Johnny Ads, and G-Dubya, and J-Marsh, and... And... And I can't remember any more founding fathers, but of course they all had their own gangsta names, too. They were big pimpin' over there in Independence Hall. The only things they were missing were the hos... And that's why Abby A. wanted them to remember the ladies.
Young kid, about fireworks nearby: Look, Mommy! They're planning a terrorist attack!
Eight-year-old boy: So they were poisoned? Mom: Yes. Eight-year-old boy: Like the monkey? Mom: No, like the boy with the Tic Tacs. Eight-year-old-boy: Oh.
Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses... Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.
Hot chick: My boyfriend actually just said to me, 'I think you should learn how to shoot grapes out of your pussy!' Then he made space-gun noises.
From the flight deck before takeoff: I'm only gonna say this once: You have to turn off your laptop, iPod, Game Boy, CD player, BlackBerry, blueberry, strawberry, cherry, and Halle Berry -- yes, you have to turn her off, too! You have to turn off anything that isn't keeping you alive.
Swimming instructor to three-year-olds: Okay, guys, hug your boogie board to your body like your teddy bear. Kirk, do you have a teddy bear? Kirk: Yes. I also have a moose that uses my daddy's brain to talk.
Man: Bert was a lot quieter than Ernie. Woman: This train is a lot quieter than Ernie. Man: Nine-eleven was a lot quieter than Ernie.
Girl: I always get suspicious when I see hot, thin moms with fat little daughters, because you know they're making them fat so that they don't turn out hotter than them. Guy: What? Girl: I'm serious, I've seen it happen! You know that's what Christine's mom did to her.
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Post by Swoosh on Sept 6, 2007 18:11:47 GMT -5
OMG, those are all so hilarious!!! ;D
Jesus freak: Before you make love to your wife, you must make love to God.
Theater buff: Racists don't yell 'nigger' during a stand-up act in a comedy club. Racists yell 'nigger' when they're driving a pickup truck dragging a chained-up black man behind them.
Guy #1: It's too bad what that stingray did to Steve Irwin, but it was just an unpreventable accident. Guy #2: Unpreventable?! He shoulda stayed in the f***in' boat!
Tourist: Excuse me, ma'am? Can you tell me how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge? Local, after long pause: Up two blocks, make a left. You can't miss it.
Tourist on cell: I just humped Timmy in Times Square!
Tourist girl to boyfriend: Wow, New York is just like Ohio!
Tourist to guide: Is it illegal to pick your nose in America?
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Post by Swoosh on Sept 7, 2007 12:40:31 GMT -5
Here are some even more hilarious ones:
Friend's mom: So, Michelle said you just graduated. What is your degree in, Jessica? Recent grad: I did! My major was Psychology, but I have a minor in Sex. Well, they call it 'Sexual Studies.' Friend's mom: That's great. Do you plan on teaching with it or...? Recent grad: I could teach sex-ed, but I want to do something hands-on.
Girl: Are you freaking kidding? We'll get arrested! British boy: No one gets mad at people with accents. Girl: I don't have an accent, in case you hadn't noticed. German boy in wheelchair: They can't get mad at me! I'm foreign! And I can't walk!
Hefty guy: Excuse me, I really need to go to the bathroom. Can I go in front of you? Woman in front of him in line: I'm in a rush, too. Hefty guy, to no one: Can you believe this city? Everyone is in a rush. Everyone is rude. I just need to go to the bathroom... No one will ever help you out. Woman in front of him: Sir, you are the one that is being rude. Hefty guy, yelling: I am not a sir, I am a ma'am! [Silence ensues.]
Ghetto mama: Gimme some of yo' Skittles, boy. Little boy: No, they be my Skittles. Ghetto papa: Boy, you best to give yo' mama some Skittles or yo' ass is nevah gonna taste that rainbow again.
Tourist: Could you give us directions to Olive Garden? NYer: No, but I could give you directions to an actual Italian restaurant.
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Post by kathleensamazing on Sept 16, 2007 18:17:32 GMT -5
i like the last 2 lol
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Post by Swoosh on Nov 24, 2007 12:18:45 GMT -5
Brunette: I usually sit in front of him, but he got to class late the day we had the midterm and the only seat left was in front of me... And then I didn't know how to do any of the problems, so I just stared at him and daydreamed about playing with his balls and batting my eyelashes while giving him a blowjob. Blonde: I strongly advise against mentioning that if you ever actually speak to him.
Blue Rangers jersey: Hey, how come you've never brought your girlfriend to a game? White Rangers jersey: Are you kidding me? Never again. The last time I brought her, the Rangers got their asses kicked and my wife saw her on TV.
Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move! 30-something uncle: Why? What's the matter? Five-year-old girl: There's cops over there... We gotta move before you get arrested again... [Whispers] You're still on probation, right?
Black guy with clipboard: Anyone? A minute of your time to save the children! Anyone! 'Scuse me, pretty miss! Excuse me! [Pretty girl ignores him.] Oooh! I'm too flyyy fo' da children. I'm too hot fo' da children. [To old lady] Ma'am, do you wanna save the children? Old lady: I hate children.
Angry guy in crosswalk: You should get a ticket! Yielding cyclist, seemingly sincere: I love you! Angry guy, passing: You should get a ticket! Cyclist, pedaling off: I love you! Angry guy, sheepishly: Thank you.
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